Not sure how i should really be feeling about this but ultimately, I’m nervous. 

I started my job as a night stock member, but they’ve always mentioned “hey do you wanna be a night cashier or in bakery?” and I’ve always told them, I’m content where I am, maybe in the future. Well that didn’t stop them.

It all goes back to probably three weeks ago when the night boss told me I wasn’t cutting it and said I’d be probably be transferred over to night cashier or bakery, without giving me many details of course. I soon found out by talking to the assistant that I was doing perfectly fine, he was surprised that the night boss would even say something like that.

Well, the other night I go in to clock into my shift and the day manager is in there. I greet him like normally and he mentions something.

“So Ryan, I guess we’re gonna be training you on register pretty soon?” 

Uh.. am i?

“Yup our night cashier quit before you started and the day staff doesn’t like taking the night shift so we need a full night time cashier.”

 Oh. How long am I going to be doing this for, temporary or until someone gets hired?

“It’s looking like you’ll be working between stock and register so you’ll keep your old job, just have more skills for the store. We’re cross-training everyone.”

Alright sounds like a plan.

But what the fuck.. I didn’t sign up for register, man! I wanted the job where I’m actually active and not farting around up front while standing around waiting for the few customers that we get at night.

I go in the other night and an hour into my shift one of the upper people find me and tell me it’s time for training, out of nowhere. So we do this what seems fairly complicated basic introduction to register training over the course of an hour and I’m still pretty lost. We finish and she tells me to get ready for Thursday where I’ll get the rest of my training. 

I’m fucking nervous. It’s even effected my sleep which hasn’t happened in a long time! My mind can’t get off the topic of messing up and just failing myself and the store.. It’s a horrible feeling. 

So I prepare for what may be my last week at the store 

So I’ve been at work for about a month now and what I thought was great, is about to be fucked.

So I show up to work pretty normal. Just trying to get the week by fast. 
I know it’s a “line and level” type night so I head over to my handicap coworker and ask if I’m starting with him, he says yup just get the lower stuff since he can’t bend with his leg brace. It’s cool, we’ve been doing that for a couple weeks now. 

Anyways, I’m taking the lower stuff while he manages the mid and tops for a couple aisles and of course, he vanishes to the break room. I start doing top, mid and bottom since he’s no longer with me. My night boss shows up and starts doing the bottoms for a couple aisles and says to just worry about the mids/tops. 

I finish an aisle or two and then my boss comes up to me. 

“Hey, the upper-management wanted me to see if you want to switch over to bakery or be a cashier?”

Hmm, well I kind of like doing this right now but maybe eventually.

“Well that’s the reason I’m bringing it up. You’re not really cutting it on night stock.”

Oh.. am I going too slow? Or not lining stuff right?

“It’s your speed.”

Oh. I thought we were supposed to take our time and make sure everything is lined up properly, labels up front and such.

“No, it’s more of a we gotta get this done fast.”

Can I get another chance or what?

“Well, the night manager said something about doing another 30 days or something but I’m not really sure” 

I’ll hurry up.

Now the complete conversation is a little blurry because when I get angry I get sad and kind of zone out.  But the general “u slow, we move you” was brought to me pretty obvious.

I feel betrayed. He never said we have to be finished before our shifts are done or anything. Just threw me into it with a general idea of how to work it. And to top things off, this could have all been avoided had the twat told me to speed things up in the 20 something days I’ve been there.

 Working through my emotions though I went into my aggressive “I’ll show these fuckers” state and blew through aisles 1-6 in a few hours. Got done probably two or three hours before I got off work. These are also known as “Backstock” nights because that’s what we do after leveling. 

So for the last couple hours I pretty much just blew through the tasks he gave me like tacking the water from the front to a shelf or taking charcoal to the outside stand. And to top off the night, the asshole doesn’t say anything else about my status or anything.

I really don’t know what’s going to happen now but honestly, do I really want to work in the same store where this sociopath works?

I’m hoping to find out more tonight since I kick ass at stocking, at least I think I do… wait a minute. I finished stocking before these two other assholes the night before! Maybe they can just take me off of leveling nights.

Still knowing everything is fine, I’m saddened by my failure. 

Going into my third week of work, mental strain starting to kick in.

I work nights. Usually 11P - 7A which is pretty nice since those hours are my usual preference. I’m adapting to it pretty fast.. at least I think I am. 
It’s hard to gauge it since most of my co-workers are 40yr+ and are always taking breaks or taking their time doing their work. The other two or three are around my age and are pretty fast as they should be. 

The only complaint I really have so far is my boss.. the dude is a sociopath! Not sure if really but, the guy never changes his facial expression. He sometimes will make a joke but for the most part he’s very quiet and efficient, helpful if I have any questions.

But every once in a while I’ll see him come over and correct whatever I was doing minutes ago, like I’ll be organizing the shelves and he’ll tweak a couple  things behind me without saying anything. I don’t really wanna ask him straight up if I’m doing anything wrong but it’d really be nice if he could comment on it or something.

Getting to the title of this post.
My Birthday was last week and I kind of screwed up my sleep schedule quite a bit. Normally I wake up around 8PM and ready myself til it’s time, get home around 7AM and unwind until noonish. Currently? I got home the other morning around 6AM but went to sleep immediately! This caused me to wake up around the time I normally go to sleep throwing everything off. 

I’m horrible at going to sleep without having at least 12+ hours of being awake, so I lay here from 2 - 9 trying to sleep, only getting about an hour at most. This sucks. 

Feeling pretty good

Wake up to my Mom giving me and early birthday present, a cell phone! She knew I’d need one and that i’d feel safer with one. Fantastic gift!

Also received some new clothes for my orientation which is pretty nice, probably getting some more with my first paycheck if things go swell. I get to the store around 1:30PM, right on time. ;)

I go up to customer service and tell the guy I’m here for the orientation and he calls up the manger. A couple minutes later Ms Manager shows up and gives me a little run down on what’s in store for the day while copying my IDs. 
We had to the back room.

As she gets the PC set up where I’ll be filling out paper work, I’m studying this booklet that is a brief introduction to the store and how they function.
“Take the wheel” She says as I sit down.. lolwut

Takes me probably twenty minutes -_- I hate paperwork since I’m not used to it. The other two newbies show up and wait for me to finish up so they can progress, I go back to reviewing the booklet.

As we all finish we head over to a bigger room with a large table
“Take a seat” Three chairs next to each other, the left one is taken and I’m not into sandwiches so I choose the right one which forces my fellow male to be in between me and the lady newbie, thanks dood. 

Ms Manager gives us the run down.
We’re going to be watching about an hour of DVDs while taking a quiz that from what I understand is just going into our file and not being looked at again. We finish and move onto the handbook where we’ll go over several of the key policies and ask questions. 

It wasn’t too bad but then came the paperwork.. again. it wasn’t that bad but there was like thirty pages and we were going at a faster pace.
I don’t know why but it seemed like we were skipping over a lot of the things we would have to check, date or fill in. We’d basically “skip this page, right your initials, flip the page, write signature, skip two pages, put date, etc”.

So after we fill out the paper work we’re asked shirt size as we’re getting our first uniform shirt! I think me and the guy older than me felt massive compared to the two little mediums, jaja it’s kk though I like being big.  
We then receive our name tags, Ms Manager is telling us about the tour we are getting ready for as we pack up. The other manager who has known my Dad for a YEARS asks if I want to be put on this weeks schedule…
What the hell, why not! So I’m given my first hours which happens to be the next two days, 10PM - 6AM! Pretty ballsy move on my part but I figured if I’m gonna push myself why not give a good impression.

We then head out on our tour and meet the other manager but unfortunately due to the insanely loud noise surrounding us I barely make out what the manager says, we all take turns shaking his hand.  Off to the compactors and brief and random instructions on how to operate them.. why does the newbie cashier and newbie pharmacist need to know about this??? 

Since we’re in the back which is considered my territory as I’m stocker,
Ms Manager tells me about the general area and such.  We then head off to the deli where the older newbie will be functioning, it was pretty cramped there. 
Off to the pharmacy where male newbie is told they’ll be revisiting after the tour. Over to the bakery which is a pretty interesting area in my opinion but none of us are going to be stationed there so this where the tour ends.

Ms Manager wishes us luck as we separate for the day. I head out to the door area that leads to the parking lot and give my Mom a call letting her know I’m done with my stuff, she ends up coming out of the store behind me as the brother and her were shopping. We then head home.

Not too bad but I fear I may messed up on the paper work, hopefully they’re isn’t any future problem regarding that. Guess i’ll be putting in my first job experience tomorrow. Let’s not fail ourself, eh?  
 
Who was the the female who called my name while waving?
Was the female newbie who I thought it was?
Will this be a positive experience? 

I almost forgot the feeling of failing.

The more I think about it, I’m pretty sure the thought of failing is my main psychological downfall. It’s always been like this but since I rarely try to change myself I guess I forgot about it. 

I’ve been on a roll lately. Getting some driving experience while readying myself for this job orientation, good stuff.  It truly is, however. I’m really not into the uneasiness stomach that follows. 
The sad part about the job, I know the second I get there i’ll get into my zone and probably blow through the day. I know it’s no big deal if I screw up this opportunity but it’s my life and if I screw up, it’s a loss to me. The more I grow up the more I’m starting to think I’ll always be this way..

Do adults feel this way or do they actually improve like I was expecting?

I’ve been helping out my Mom at her work lately, her work load is increased pretty drastically at the end of  the semester and deadlines are made shorter. She’s been there for a couple years and it seems like a great job for her. 

I love the feeling of actively doing something productive in a work environment and I feel that I’m good at it but.. I’m pathetic.

In my mind I’m totally like “let’s get this shit done, the faster the better!” 
but when it comes down to it  I just can’t step up I guess you could say.
I want a job but realistically I just don’t have it in me to apply myself to it.

Am I lazy?
Am I afraid?
Am I just a loser?

I don’t know why i have these psychological issues but it isn’t a good feeling.

When the hell will I work up the courage or skills to better myself?!